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F: Five Times Simon Tam Killed Someone
Fandom: Firefly
Pairing: None
Warnings: Angst
Rating: PG
Summary: Five deaths, literal and metaphorical, that Simon Tam blamed himself for. Inspired by![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
feywood's roleplay River.
The first time he killed someone, it was an accident. Nobody blamed him. "You couldn't have known," the nurse said, touching his arm. "It's not your fault. Don't take it so hard. These things just happen, sometimes."
He blamed himself anyway. If he'd changed the dosage, or read that chart again, or asked someone to give him a second opinion... maybe the accident would never have happened. The invisible mistake might have been found, rectified. People don't die in hospitals on the core. Or they shouldn't, anyway -- not with all that equipment, all those brilliant minds.
He thought it all through over and over again for days afterwards. Trying to figure out what he would do differently. Trying to find the invisible mistake.
Apart from that one death, no one else died in that core planet hospital. At least not when Dr. Simon Tam was there.
On Serenity, no matter what he did, he felt like he was killing River. There was his sister, brilliant and graceful and broken, and he couldn't fix her. The sister he'd known was slipping away, dying, lost, and he couldn't help her. He injected her and sedated her and held her and stroked her hair, and listened to her, and he was there when she woke up, but none of it did any good.
"Time to go to sleep again," she'd say, and in her eyes was a wild animal caged, without the will to carry on. He wondered how long it would be before she lay down and died, but he injected her anyway and watched something creep in that wasn't sleep, and wasn't freedom, and might well be a kind of death. "It's going to be alright," she'd whisper, as she slipped under. He couldn't believe that.
Kaylee, too. She was bright and happy and she made him smile, but she wasn't enough. She wasn't what he needed, in the end. She wasn't even what he wanted, really.
He felt like he was killing something the day he told her that. "I'm sorry," he said, and she turned her head away.
"Sorry don't fix anythin'," she said, sadly. She didn't blame him, either, he knew. If she blamed anyone, it was probably herself. She probably thought she could have done more, could have been more.
It wasn't killing someone, not really, but his conscience twinged anyway and he held her while she cried, his cheek against her hair and his shoulder damp. "I'm sorry," he said again, into her hair.
On Serenity, he learnt to shoot. The first few times he held a gun, he was pretty sure he did no good with it. But there came a time when River was on the job and he was there and nobody else had a clear shot and the man had her, hands round her neck, and there was a gun right there --
He didn't even feel sorry, afterwards.
"Killed yourself," River said, after. She was frantic, all movement and fever, burning bright-hot. "Simon, you killed yourself!"
"What are you talkin' about, girl? Ain't a mark on him," the captain said, grabbing her arm. River's nails dug into Simon's arms for a moment before Mal managed to pull her back. She was like a Fury, wild-eyed.
"Not Simon anymore," she said, fiercely, and then sagging back against Mal, she whispered it. "Not Simon."
Pairing: None
Warnings: Angst
Rating: PG
Summary: Five deaths, literal and metaphorical, that Simon Tam blamed himself for. Inspired by
feywood's roleplay River.The first time he killed someone, it was an accident. Nobody blamed him. "You couldn't have known," the nurse said, touching his arm. "It's not your fault. Don't take it so hard. These things just happen, sometimes."
He blamed himself anyway. If he'd changed the dosage, or read that chart again, or asked someone to give him a second opinion... maybe the accident would never have happened. The invisible mistake might have been found, rectified. People don't die in hospitals on the core. Or they shouldn't, anyway -- not with all that equipment, all those brilliant minds.
He thought it all through over and over again for days afterwards. Trying to figure out what he would do differently. Trying to find the invisible mistake.
Apart from that one death, no one else died in that core planet hospital. At least not when Dr. Simon Tam was there.
On Serenity, no matter what he did, he felt like he was killing River. There was his sister, brilliant and graceful and broken, and he couldn't fix her. The sister he'd known was slipping away, dying, lost, and he couldn't help her. He injected her and sedated her and held her and stroked her hair, and listened to her, and he was there when she woke up, but none of it did any good.
"Time to go to sleep again," she'd say, and in her eyes was a wild animal caged, without the will to carry on. He wondered how long it would be before she lay down and died, but he injected her anyway and watched something creep in that wasn't sleep, and wasn't freedom, and might well be a kind of death. "It's going to be alright," she'd whisper, as she slipped under. He couldn't believe that.
Kaylee, too. She was bright and happy and she made him smile, but she wasn't enough. She wasn't what he needed, in the end. She wasn't even what he wanted, really.
He felt like he was killing something the day he told her that. "I'm sorry," he said, and she turned her head away.
"Sorry don't fix anythin'," she said, sadly. She didn't blame him, either, he knew. If she blamed anyone, it was probably herself. She probably thought she could have done more, could have been more.
It wasn't killing someone, not really, but his conscience twinged anyway and he held her while she cried, his cheek against her hair and his shoulder damp. "I'm sorry," he said again, into her hair.
On Serenity, he learnt to shoot. The first few times he held a gun, he was pretty sure he did no good with it. But there came a time when River was on the job and he was there and nobody else had a clear shot and the man had her, hands round her neck, and there was a gun right there --
He didn't even feel sorry, afterwards.
"Killed yourself," River said, after. She was frantic, all movement and fever, burning bright-hot. "Simon, you killed yourself!"
"What are you talkin' about, girl? Ain't a mark on him," the captain said, grabbing her arm. River's nails dug into Simon's arms for a moment before Mal managed to pull her back. She was like a Fury, wild-eyed.
"Not Simon anymore," she said, fiercely, and then sagging back against Mal, she whispered it. "Not Simon."
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