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FFVIII: Reasons
Fandom: Final Fantasy VIII
Pairing: None
Warnings: Alternate Universe, angst
Rating: PG
Summary: Glimpses of the war when the main players take different sides. For![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
ff_flashfic and fic_on_demand.
"Poor, poor boy," she said, and for a moment I felt like an angel had stooped down to take me up and make me something. I wanted nothing more than to impress her. I thought she was beautiful, all dressed in dark colours and with that smile on her face. She stepped through a wall and into my life and, as I thought, entirely to find me.
A moment later, she looked behind me, and the charm vanished. I spun around to kill whoever interested more than I did, and then I saw Squall staring at her, much as I had been. He took a couple of steps towards her, and I let him, suddenly feeling a strange coldness like fear at the pit of my stomach. I certainly didn't want to follow the woman anymore.
"You've always been so strong, so tough," she said to him, smiling that smile that made a shiver run up my spine. She moved over to him, touching his cheek. I half expected him to throw her hand away, as untouchable a beauty as Shiva, but he didn't. He let her, a confused look in his eyes. "You've always kept just to yourself. But you want this, don't you? You want to have someone... someone to love you, someone for you to protect."
She dropped her hand and turned away, glancing at him over her shoulder and then striding off. Suddenly he called to her -- "Wait!" -- and moved after her. I let Squall pass me, even though I knew that was the last thing he should do, my limbs strangely heavy, like I'd been hit with an extra strong dose of Slow. She smiled at me one last time -- a frightening smile -- and then they both vanished, back where she'd come from.
"Seifer! Where did Squall go?"
I turned slowly to look at Rinoa, trying to fight back the clear shock and fear in my face. Her dark eyes widened slightly and I quickly shook my head. "I don't know. But... I'm sorry, Rin. I was trying to help and now -- "
Quistis' voice was impatient. "What have you done with Squall?"
"I... he disappeared with that woman."
Selphie huffed softly, tugging at Quistis' arm. "Forget about that for now! We need to get out of here!"
I only glanced back once as I wrapped an arm around Rinoa's waist and pulled her from the room. Squall would have to take care of himself, wherever he'd gone, whatever he'd so blithely walked into. I felt a little cheated. I'd dreamed of that moment. But she hadn't been what I'd expected -- at first so like my dream and then, once she saw Squall, so cold and different -- and he'd stolen my goal.
I bitterly wished him luck of it.
-----
Leonhart smiled at me when I got up on the float. I knew from the start I'd have to bail Irwhine out on this, so I was only a little bit pissed off. But the sight of that mindraping bitch made me so angry I don't know who to kill first -- her or her smirking knight. "Knew you couldn't really make it on your own, Squally-boy!"
"I don't know. You're the one with the huge back up team against just me and my sorceress."
He hadn't said much and he was already too damn talkative. Mindfucked, just like I'd thought, with her pretty spells that had been meant for me. That still stung a bit. That I hadn't been good enough. But I was pretty happy not to be standing there acting all out of character and looking like an idiot to anyone who knew me well enough. And I know Squall better than most, so I thought he looked pretty damn stupid.
"Let's cut the chitchat, Squally-boy."
"Glad to."
And just like that, I went into battle for a whole host of things I didn't even really believe in. For Garden, for the freedom of the world... I'd always believed it was a good cause. I just couldn't be bothered with it. Until that battle, when I decided that whatever the fuck I did, I was going to set Squall free.
I could see that she was controlling him. Sometimes he'd falter, make the wrong move or not do anything, whenever I came in between the two of them so she couldn't see properly what was going on. His reactions were fractions of seconds too slow, noticable enough for me to realise, but not so bad that I could actually get more than my fair share of hits in.
I won, in the end, of course. I pushed him down onto the ground and she frowned at him -- and there was a flicker of despair in his eyes before she rose to face me, me all alone against a sorceress.
And then back up decided to show up.
"I've got to fight, Seifer! I know I can do it if you're here!"
"I have to redeem myself."
They were going to be more of a burden than a help in my quick and dirty fighting style, but I let them stay. Something of the leader in me came out then and had me instructing them, helping them, keeping them in the battle alongside me. I loved seeing that woman wince under a barrage of spells and bullets and my gunblade, loved seeing the fear dawning in her eyes.
"Impudent SeeDs!" she cried, and I wanted to correct her, no, no, I'm not a SeeD, and I'm still kicking your bitch ass. But I didn't get chance.
She raised her hand, looking straight at me, and right there in the palm of her hand a purple fire started to glow. Purple. I knew it was sorceress magic, tried to ask Rinoa for a Shell, or an immediate Cura or something, but then it hit me and I was burning up. I felt my legs go out from under me and then I fell, toppled right back off the float like a stupid idiot.
Last thing I saw was Rinoa reaching out for me.
-----
First thing I saw when I woke up was Squally-boy's crotch and his three million belts. Not the most inspiring sight when you feel as shit as I did right then, even if I swung that way. I rolled over, leaned over the bed and started puking.
I managed to puke all over prissy boy's boots, too.
He forced my head back with a hand in my hair and looked into my eyes. "You're in trouble, Seifer. Resisting my sorceress, defying her... trying to kill her. You never know when to stop, do you?"
I puked again.
He stepped back with a look of disgust on his face. "Get him out of here. I'll be in there when I've cleaned up."
"Where are you taking me?"
He paused in the doorway to give me one of his cold looks. "The torture chamber."
I don't like thinking about the next bit. It mainly involves being chained to a wall, cold as fuck and shivering more from adrenaline than actual fear. Every time I didn't answer his stupid questions, he'd order the guy to jolt me with electricity. It hurt like fuck and it didn't make any sense and I was more than half dazed from knocking my head against the wall before long.
His eyes were intense, more emotional than I'd ever seen them and yet there was no true emotion there -- his eyes were like empty pits as far as that was concerned. I never put much faith in that kind of reading people, but his tone was icy cold, too. Deader than even his usual tone. "SeeD was formed to serve a higher purpose. You must know."
"You're the one who made SeeD, prettyboy. You know I failed. I'm the disgrace of Garden, they're hardly going to entrust me with secrets -- "
He stopped me talking with another of those nasty electric shocks that made all my muscles react in the most uncomfortable of ways. I was breathing hard and hanging my head by then.
"You know something, and you will tell me."
"There's nothing to tell!"
It went on like that for what seemed like hours. He left the room, sometimes, stayed away for an hour or two by my count, and then came back. I was starting to want to beg him to stay -- at least when he was in the room there were questions, things I could answer, I could provoke him. I spent less time being jolted with electricity if I kept him busy and listening to me.
The bastard taunted me, too. That should've been my job, but he stood there and told me about how he was going to torture the others. Make Rinoa scream. Make Quistis beg before he killed her. The way he'd destroy Garden and hunt down the SeeDs I'd finished growing up alongside, all the people I might have cared about or needed or might somehow be connected to me.
And always, always, the electricity. For impudence, for not understanding the question, for not answering the question, for answering with something he didn't want to hear. It went on and on.
Finally, I think I blacked out, or got so used to it I just fell asleep there, too exhausted to move anymore. I only woke up to the others crowding around me and cutting me down. I fell into Irvine's arms and the cowboy held me up, supported me on our way out of there. He asked Zell to help, but the chickenwuss just stood there.
"Aren't you coming, chickie?" I asked him, and he shook his head.
"I'm staying with Squall."
"You're an idiot."
"Maybe we're on the wrong side, Seifer," he said, earnestly. I shifted to lean more of my weight on Irvine and stared at Zell, trying to figure him out. I'd always figured he had some kind of crush on Squall -- he certainly worshipped the poor guy at times during our training. I wondered if he wanted to impress Squall by sticking with him. I also wondered if he was on Squall's side just 'cause he hated me that much.
"Maybe you're an idiot," I said, finally.
Quistis tried to persuade him, but he wouldn't come. Out of time for persuasion, we left him.
I still say we'd've done better hitting him over the head and carrying him out.
-----
I was just about sick of the whole SeeD game by the way we'd fought, lied and downright forced our way through Galbadia Garden, stopping to get lost along the way at least five times. I was sick of going for the roundabout approach, sick of cleaning up the messes. If I could do it my way, we'd go right to the heart of the problem and stop that -- cut Squall down and then the bitch sorceress, and leave her no time or opportunity to get a grip on the world and things we might give a shit about.
Of course, I wasn't even officially a SeeD. Me and the cowboy and my loyal posse were sort of allowed to tag along, which made no sense to me, since Quistis put me in charge every time. They might as well have made me a SeeD.
But then, the penalties for making an ass of myself to my group were less severe for a non-SeeD, so I wasn't complaining.
I nearly crammed my blade down Squall's throat when he started going on about how ungrateful we were to Matron. Sure, I remembered her. I remembered sitting on her lap and asking her about sorceresses and I remember her laughing and saying she hoped I never came across one of them. But the memories weren't all rose tinted and lovely.
After all, our Matron was a sorceress trying to wreck the world, right then. No time for sentimentality.
I flung some insults, then kicked his ass.
The bitch ran, leaving her knight broken on the floor. I saw Zell appear to heal him, lifting him up onto his shoulder and helping him walk. I didn't point it out to Quisty and the others. We all raced off to get the sorceress.
It was kind of hard to fight her, even if she was a total bitch then. It was hard looking at her and thinking all of a sudden that physically, she hasn't changed all that much. Physically, she was still the beautiful Matron I once worshipped, the only mother in my lonely little life, and it was kind of hard to fight her. And she called to me. My bones, my blood, my heart -- all jumped to her voice, her magic.
Quistis hit me on the back of my head any time I started looking like I might desert the cause, though.
I didn't understand anything that happened after that. Rinoa got up and wobbled around and went over to Squall, who had apparently rejoined his mistress. And then she collapsed and everything went dark for me, too.
I woke to Quistis kneeling beside me, slapping my face and casting cure spells alternately. She looked damn glad to see me awake. "Thank god. You're not in a coma like Rinoa. I was afraid..."
"Rinoa?"
"She won't wake up. We've tried everything, all sorts of spells."
"SEIFER!"
I looked up sharply to see Fujin pointing towards Matron. The woman was standing up, pale as death and a little shaky, staring into our faces, one by one. "Seifer... Quistis. Irvine. Selphie. It's so good... to see you all again. I know you have questions... I know you don't understand. I've been waiting for the day I could explain -- but, please, tell me -- have I protected Ellone? Is she still safe?"
She didn't make any sense to me.
None of it did.
-----
In the end, I got my dream. Rinny was a sorceress. Rinny, the girl I'd spent one careless, lazy summer slacking off with. Rinoa with the beautiful dark eyes and far too many lashes and a smile that could make me weak at the knees in the right circumstances. I swore myself to her, swore I'd protect her, reassured her and -- let her go. Let them seal her away.
From that day, I pushed to have things my way. No more dancing around the fact, no more playing around and letting Ultimecia push us. It was simple. Fight, kill her, fuck the crazy time shit and fuck the crazy mind control.
I still think my way would've been better.
But in the end Quistis and Selphie got a case of the jitters about Rinoa being all sealed up, and so they got her out. And I was there to let her fall into my arms, I was there to apologise and hold her close.
And then we really went to war.
Days on potions, days of being too damn thirsty, days of wondering if I should've died in space with Rinoa instead of saving us both to continue the war. Days of wondering if I could be good enough -- I'd failed at SeeD, after all.
And then days of wondering whether Squall would ever break free. Whether I'd have to kill Squall. I didn't want his blood on my blade if he was nothing more than a puppet. I also thought about Dincht. Whether he might've been right. After all, even I admitted I could be a bit of a bully. Surely someone like me wouldn't be fighting on the right side.
Then I thought about that cold feeling in the pit of my stomach and I knew that whichever side was right, it wasn't hers. Maybe neither of us were right. But I sure as hell felt better in my stomach at the thought of fighting on Garden's side than fighting for that sorceress.
And in the end, my priority was my sorceress. I'd go wherever she went. Even on some crazy mission through time to compress time and fight our way through Ultimecia's home.
So that's what we did.
-----
"Seifer... he's not himself anymore. I finally understand that. You all... you have to save him. Free him from the sorceress." Zell's expression was tired. Hurt. He looked like a little puppy dog someone had kicked, but he was there, as always, looking up at Squall with anxious eyes that made even me pity him.
He'd been completely blind to what Squall was doing, blind to anything except that Squally-boy was a knight, king of a special little fairytale. Guess he was used to Squall being a good boy and couldn't reconcile the image of Mr Goody Two Shoes with the nightmare Squall'd become, following his sorceress.
"You're betraying me, Zell?"
"No, Squall. I'm... Seifer's in the right, for once. You know I wouldn't support him if -- "
"You're betraying me."
Zell's expression made me so angry. Pain. Chickenwuss making faces like he'd been stabbed in the heart. Fujin and Raijin followed me as blindly as Zell followed Squall -- it was just plain wrong in my mind to abuse that blind trust, to manipulate the depth of that friendship and that feeling. So it wasn't for Zell I charged forward and slashed Squall's stomach open. And yet, in some ways, it was.
Poor fools. All playing parts in a war we couldn't escape. Fighting for all the wrong reasons, or fighting for the right things and not understanding why, or fighting just because we had to, because we weren't able to do anything else.
So right then I was fighting for Zell, and for Raijin and Fujin, but only partly. Mainly I was fighting to keep my skin whole. I was fighting because sooner or later the fight would find me anyway. I was fighting for the girl at my side, the sorceress who could move worlds, but not really just because I loved her. Just because I was compelled to. Just because I was bonded to her with a damned unbreakable bond.
Zell fought for Squall. Always for Squall, who didn't deserve it anyway, cold hearted bastard that he was. Raijin and Fujin fought for me, with all their hearts and minds, because I asked them to. Squall for his sorceress. And I had no idea what Selphie and Irvine and Quistis were all fighting for.
It sure as heck wasn't saving the world, half the time. It was for selfish, silly reasons that kept our hides in one piece.
Didn't matter what I was fighting for. I did my damned best. I gave everything I had to give. It was my gunblade that killed Ultimecia, me who struck the last blow. And in the end, I was lost.
Until my sorceress came for me.
Pairing: None
Warnings: Alternate Universe, angst
Rating: PG
Summary: Glimpses of the war when the main players take different sides. For
ff_flashfic and fic_on_demand."Poor, poor boy," she said, and for a moment I felt like an angel had stooped down to take me up and make me something. I wanted nothing more than to impress her. I thought she was beautiful, all dressed in dark colours and with that smile on her face. She stepped through a wall and into my life and, as I thought, entirely to find me.
A moment later, she looked behind me, and the charm vanished. I spun around to kill whoever interested more than I did, and then I saw Squall staring at her, much as I had been. He took a couple of steps towards her, and I let him, suddenly feeling a strange coldness like fear at the pit of my stomach. I certainly didn't want to follow the woman anymore.
"You've always been so strong, so tough," she said to him, smiling that smile that made a shiver run up my spine. She moved over to him, touching his cheek. I half expected him to throw her hand away, as untouchable a beauty as Shiva, but he didn't. He let her, a confused look in his eyes. "You've always kept just to yourself. But you want this, don't you? You want to have someone... someone to love you, someone for you to protect."
She dropped her hand and turned away, glancing at him over her shoulder and then striding off. Suddenly he called to her -- "Wait!" -- and moved after her. I let Squall pass me, even though I knew that was the last thing he should do, my limbs strangely heavy, like I'd been hit with an extra strong dose of Slow. She smiled at me one last time -- a frightening smile -- and then they both vanished, back where she'd come from.
"Seifer! Where did Squall go?"
I turned slowly to look at Rinoa, trying to fight back the clear shock and fear in my face. Her dark eyes widened slightly and I quickly shook my head. "I don't know. But... I'm sorry, Rin. I was trying to help and now -- "
Quistis' voice was impatient. "What have you done with Squall?"
"I... he disappeared with that woman."
Selphie huffed softly, tugging at Quistis' arm. "Forget about that for now! We need to get out of here!"
I only glanced back once as I wrapped an arm around Rinoa's waist and pulled her from the room. Squall would have to take care of himself, wherever he'd gone, whatever he'd so blithely walked into. I felt a little cheated. I'd dreamed of that moment. But she hadn't been what I'd expected -- at first so like my dream and then, once she saw Squall, so cold and different -- and he'd stolen my goal.
I bitterly wished him luck of it.
Leonhart smiled at me when I got up on the float. I knew from the start I'd have to bail Irwhine out on this, so I was only a little bit pissed off. But the sight of that mindraping bitch made me so angry I don't know who to kill first -- her or her smirking knight. "Knew you couldn't really make it on your own, Squally-boy!"
"I don't know. You're the one with the huge back up team against just me and my sorceress."
He hadn't said much and he was already too damn talkative. Mindfucked, just like I'd thought, with her pretty spells that had been meant for me. That still stung a bit. That I hadn't been good enough. But I was pretty happy not to be standing there acting all out of character and looking like an idiot to anyone who knew me well enough. And I know Squall better than most, so I thought he looked pretty damn stupid.
"Let's cut the chitchat, Squally-boy."
"Glad to."
And just like that, I went into battle for a whole host of things I didn't even really believe in. For Garden, for the freedom of the world... I'd always believed it was a good cause. I just couldn't be bothered with it. Until that battle, when I decided that whatever the fuck I did, I was going to set Squall free.
I could see that she was controlling him. Sometimes he'd falter, make the wrong move or not do anything, whenever I came in between the two of them so she couldn't see properly what was going on. His reactions were fractions of seconds too slow, noticable enough for me to realise, but not so bad that I could actually get more than my fair share of hits in.
I won, in the end, of course. I pushed him down onto the ground and she frowned at him -- and there was a flicker of despair in his eyes before she rose to face me, me all alone against a sorceress.
And then back up decided to show up.
"I've got to fight, Seifer! I know I can do it if you're here!"
"I have to redeem myself."
They were going to be more of a burden than a help in my quick and dirty fighting style, but I let them stay. Something of the leader in me came out then and had me instructing them, helping them, keeping them in the battle alongside me. I loved seeing that woman wince under a barrage of spells and bullets and my gunblade, loved seeing the fear dawning in her eyes.
"Impudent SeeDs!" she cried, and I wanted to correct her, no, no, I'm not a SeeD, and I'm still kicking your bitch ass. But I didn't get chance.
She raised her hand, looking straight at me, and right there in the palm of her hand a purple fire started to glow. Purple. I knew it was sorceress magic, tried to ask Rinoa for a Shell, or an immediate Cura or something, but then it hit me and I was burning up. I felt my legs go out from under me and then I fell, toppled right back off the float like a stupid idiot.
Last thing I saw was Rinoa reaching out for me.
First thing I saw when I woke up was Squally-boy's crotch and his three million belts. Not the most inspiring sight when you feel as shit as I did right then, even if I swung that way. I rolled over, leaned over the bed and started puking.
I managed to puke all over prissy boy's boots, too.
He forced my head back with a hand in my hair and looked into my eyes. "You're in trouble, Seifer. Resisting my sorceress, defying her... trying to kill her. You never know when to stop, do you?"
I puked again.
He stepped back with a look of disgust on his face. "Get him out of here. I'll be in there when I've cleaned up."
"Where are you taking me?"
He paused in the doorway to give me one of his cold looks. "The torture chamber."
I don't like thinking about the next bit. It mainly involves being chained to a wall, cold as fuck and shivering more from adrenaline than actual fear. Every time I didn't answer his stupid questions, he'd order the guy to jolt me with electricity. It hurt like fuck and it didn't make any sense and I was more than half dazed from knocking my head against the wall before long.
His eyes were intense, more emotional than I'd ever seen them and yet there was no true emotion there -- his eyes were like empty pits as far as that was concerned. I never put much faith in that kind of reading people, but his tone was icy cold, too. Deader than even his usual tone. "SeeD was formed to serve a higher purpose. You must know."
"You're the one who made SeeD, prettyboy. You know I failed. I'm the disgrace of Garden, they're hardly going to entrust me with secrets -- "
He stopped me talking with another of those nasty electric shocks that made all my muscles react in the most uncomfortable of ways. I was breathing hard and hanging my head by then.
"You know something, and you will tell me."
"There's nothing to tell!"
It went on like that for what seemed like hours. He left the room, sometimes, stayed away for an hour or two by my count, and then came back. I was starting to want to beg him to stay -- at least when he was in the room there were questions, things I could answer, I could provoke him. I spent less time being jolted with electricity if I kept him busy and listening to me.
The bastard taunted me, too. That should've been my job, but he stood there and told me about how he was going to torture the others. Make Rinoa scream. Make Quistis beg before he killed her. The way he'd destroy Garden and hunt down the SeeDs I'd finished growing up alongside, all the people I might have cared about or needed or might somehow be connected to me.
And always, always, the electricity. For impudence, for not understanding the question, for not answering the question, for answering with something he didn't want to hear. It went on and on.
Finally, I think I blacked out, or got so used to it I just fell asleep there, too exhausted to move anymore. I only woke up to the others crowding around me and cutting me down. I fell into Irvine's arms and the cowboy held me up, supported me on our way out of there. He asked Zell to help, but the chickenwuss just stood there.
"Aren't you coming, chickie?" I asked him, and he shook his head.
"I'm staying with Squall."
"You're an idiot."
"Maybe we're on the wrong side, Seifer," he said, earnestly. I shifted to lean more of my weight on Irvine and stared at Zell, trying to figure him out. I'd always figured he had some kind of crush on Squall -- he certainly worshipped the poor guy at times during our training. I wondered if he wanted to impress Squall by sticking with him. I also wondered if he was on Squall's side just 'cause he hated me that much.
"Maybe you're an idiot," I said, finally.
Quistis tried to persuade him, but he wouldn't come. Out of time for persuasion, we left him.
I still say we'd've done better hitting him over the head and carrying him out.
I was just about sick of the whole SeeD game by the way we'd fought, lied and downright forced our way through Galbadia Garden, stopping to get lost along the way at least five times. I was sick of going for the roundabout approach, sick of cleaning up the messes. If I could do it my way, we'd go right to the heart of the problem and stop that -- cut Squall down and then the bitch sorceress, and leave her no time or opportunity to get a grip on the world and things we might give a shit about.
Of course, I wasn't even officially a SeeD. Me and the cowboy and my loyal posse were sort of allowed to tag along, which made no sense to me, since Quistis put me in charge every time. They might as well have made me a SeeD.
But then, the penalties for making an ass of myself to my group were less severe for a non-SeeD, so I wasn't complaining.
I nearly crammed my blade down Squall's throat when he started going on about how ungrateful we were to Matron. Sure, I remembered her. I remembered sitting on her lap and asking her about sorceresses and I remember her laughing and saying she hoped I never came across one of them. But the memories weren't all rose tinted and lovely.
After all, our Matron was a sorceress trying to wreck the world, right then. No time for sentimentality.
I flung some insults, then kicked his ass.
The bitch ran, leaving her knight broken on the floor. I saw Zell appear to heal him, lifting him up onto his shoulder and helping him walk. I didn't point it out to Quisty and the others. We all raced off to get the sorceress.
It was kind of hard to fight her, even if she was a total bitch then. It was hard looking at her and thinking all of a sudden that physically, she hasn't changed all that much. Physically, she was still the beautiful Matron I once worshipped, the only mother in my lonely little life, and it was kind of hard to fight her. And she called to me. My bones, my blood, my heart -- all jumped to her voice, her magic.
Quistis hit me on the back of my head any time I started looking like I might desert the cause, though.
I didn't understand anything that happened after that. Rinoa got up and wobbled around and went over to Squall, who had apparently rejoined his mistress. And then she collapsed and everything went dark for me, too.
I woke to Quistis kneeling beside me, slapping my face and casting cure spells alternately. She looked damn glad to see me awake. "Thank god. You're not in a coma like Rinoa. I was afraid..."
"Rinoa?"
"She won't wake up. We've tried everything, all sorts of spells."
"SEIFER!"
I looked up sharply to see Fujin pointing towards Matron. The woman was standing up, pale as death and a little shaky, staring into our faces, one by one. "Seifer... Quistis. Irvine. Selphie. It's so good... to see you all again. I know you have questions... I know you don't understand. I've been waiting for the day I could explain -- but, please, tell me -- have I protected Ellone? Is she still safe?"
She didn't make any sense to me.
None of it did.
In the end, I got my dream. Rinny was a sorceress. Rinny, the girl I'd spent one careless, lazy summer slacking off with. Rinoa with the beautiful dark eyes and far too many lashes and a smile that could make me weak at the knees in the right circumstances. I swore myself to her, swore I'd protect her, reassured her and -- let her go. Let them seal her away.
From that day, I pushed to have things my way. No more dancing around the fact, no more playing around and letting Ultimecia push us. It was simple. Fight, kill her, fuck the crazy time shit and fuck the crazy mind control.
I still think my way would've been better.
But in the end Quistis and Selphie got a case of the jitters about Rinoa being all sealed up, and so they got her out. And I was there to let her fall into my arms, I was there to apologise and hold her close.
And then we really went to war.
Days on potions, days of being too damn thirsty, days of wondering if I should've died in space with Rinoa instead of saving us both to continue the war. Days of wondering if I could be good enough -- I'd failed at SeeD, after all.
And then days of wondering whether Squall would ever break free. Whether I'd have to kill Squall. I didn't want his blood on my blade if he was nothing more than a puppet. I also thought about Dincht. Whether he might've been right. After all, even I admitted I could be a bit of a bully. Surely someone like me wouldn't be fighting on the right side.
Then I thought about that cold feeling in the pit of my stomach and I knew that whichever side was right, it wasn't hers. Maybe neither of us were right. But I sure as hell felt better in my stomach at the thought of fighting on Garden's side than fighting for that sorceress.
And in the end, my priority was my sorceress. I'd go wherever she went. Even on some crazy mission through time to compress time and fight our way through Ultimecia's home.
So that's what we did.
"Seifer... he's not himself anymore. I finally understand that. You all... you have to save him. Free him from the sorceress." Zell's expression was tired. Hurt. He looked like a little puppy dog someone had kicked, but he was there, as always, looking up at Squall with anxious eyes that made even me pity him.
He'd been completely blind to what Squall was doing, blind to anything except that Squally-boy was a knight, king of a special little fairytale. Guess he was used to Squall being a good boy and couldn't reconcile the image of Mr Goody Two Shoes with the nightmare Squall'd become, following his sorceress.
"You're betraying me, Zell?"
"No, Squall. I'm... Seifer's in the right, for once. You know I wouldn't support him if -- "
"You're betraying me."
Zell's expression made me so angry. Pain. Chickenwuss making faces like he'd been stabbed in the heart. Fujin and Raijin followed me as blindly as Zell followed Squall -- it was just plain wrong in my mind to abuse that blind trust, to manipulate the depth of that friendship and that feeling. So it wasn't for Zell I charged forward and slashed Squall's stomach open. And yet, in some ways, it was.
Poor fools. All playing parts in a war we couldn't escape. Fighting for all the wrong reasons, or fighting for the right things and not understanding why, or fighting just because we had to, because we weren't able to do anything else.
So right then I was fighting for Zell, and for Raijin and Fujin, but only partly. Mainly I was fighting to keep my skin whole. I was fighting because sooner or later the fight would find me anyway. I was fighting for the girl at my side, the sorceress who could move worlds, but not really just because I loved her. Just because I was compelled to. Just because I was bonded to her with a damned unbreakable bond.
Zell fought for Squall. Always for Squall, who didn't deserve it anyway, cold hearted bastard that he was. Raijin and Fujin fought for me, with all their hearts and minds, because I asked them to. Squall for his sorceress. And I had no idea what Selphie and Irvine and Quistis were all fighting for.
It sure as heck wasn't saving the world, half the time. It was for selfish, silly reasons that kept our hides in one piece.
Didn't matter what I was fighting for. I did my damned best. I gave everything I had to give. It was my gunblade that killed Ultimecia, me who struck the last blow. And in the end, I was lost.
Until my sorceress came for me.
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