Okay! Finally getting on to reading and responding to this whole thing that I bookmarked during November. I hope you don't mind that I come bearing lots of concrit. If you want me to stop, just tell me so and I will.
grimacing only a little at her slightly bony weight. Is he grimacing at her weight on his lap, or because bones are poking into him, or what?
when she spots Quistis making her entrance, smiling brightly and drawing another few creative grimaces from her unfortunate boyfriend. The placement of the phrase after the comma suggests it's Quistis smiling brightly and drawing creative grimaces, rather than Selphie. Maybe rearrange to have the "when" phrase start the sentence, which puts the description of Selphie's actions all together?
He shrugs slightly when he sees them all looking at him in surprise, looking slightly awkward and waiting for someone to say something. Are they looking awkward, or is Seifer?
I belong to little Sephy here.” - In the game, Irvine usually renders her nickname as Sefie, at least in the US version?
Irvine smiles his easy smile. “Maybe we'll end up needing that support.”
“Nobody is dragging me into a bar and getting me drunk.” This seems like a total non-sequitur. Where did it come from? I mean, you go into other people's reasoning for wanting Squall to drink in later paragraphs, but I don't understand why needing Laguna's support translates to taking Squall to a bar.
Overall, there's a lot of exposition in this chapter to cover past events, like Rinoa and Squall splitting up, and the party at which Laguna and Squall started behaving like a family.
In-character, what is Rinoa's motivation for wanting to hook up Squall and Seifer? I mean, I'm all about that pairing, I'm just wondering why Rinoa's advocating it so much.
I like the premise that you're setting up here, though, and the dialogue flows very smoothly.
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grimacing only a little at her slightly bony weight. Is he grimacing at her weight on his lap, or because bones are poking into him, or what?
when she spots Quistis making her entrance, smiling brightly and drawing another few creative grimaces from her unfortunate boyfriend. The placement of the phrase after the comma suggests it's Quistis smiling brightly and drawing creative grimaces, rather than Selphie. Maybe rearrange to have the "when" phrase start the sentence, which puts the description of Selphie's actions all together?
He shrugs slightly when he sees them all looking at him in surprise, looking slightly awkward and waiting for someone to say something. Are they looking awkward, or is Seifer?
I belong to little Sephy here.” - In the game, Irvine usually renders her nickname as Sefie, at least in the US version?
Irvine smiles his easy smile. “Maybe we'll end up needing that support.”
“Nobody is dragging me into a bar and getting me drunk.” This seems like a total non-sequitur. Where did it come from? I mean, you go into other people's reasoning for wanting Squall to drink in later paragraphs, but I don't understand why needing Laguna's support translates to taking Squall to a bar.
Overall, there's a lot of exposition in this chapter to cover past events, like Rinoa and Squall splitting up, and the party at which Laguna and Squall started behaving like a family.
In-character, what is Rinoa's motivation for wanting to hook up Squall and Seifer? I mean, I'm all about that pairing, I'm just wondering why Rinoa's advocating it so much.
I like the premise that you're setting up here, though, and the dialogue flows very smoothly.