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Entry tags:
FFVIII: Fading
Fandom: Final Fantasy VIII
Pairing: Seifer/Squall
Warnings: Angst, deathfic
Rating: PG
Summary: He barely believes the rumours. For![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
fated_children.
Seifer doesn't go back to Garden when he hears the news -- he barely believes it. It wouldn't happen to Leonhart -- couldn't happen to Leonhart. Squally-boy has the happy ever after and the fairytale and Seifer gets what he deserves. Punishment. Exclusion. Fear.
It hurts when people back away from them, hurts a little when they speak of Squall. Hurts to think of Squall, his lover back when they'd still been boys. He hated that word. Wanted to get away from it. Boy. She had called him that, all the time. Boy. Boy do this, boy do that, boy you'll be a man some day but only if you obey me... He hated that word, hated the voice that said it.
But now he wishes he was still a boy. Still had the thought of Squall in his bed to soothe him, before all the fights, before he failed the SeeD exam more times than he'd thought possible.
But hey, those days are gone and Rinny warms Squall's bed instead.
He doesn't believe the news.
(Squall can't be dying, right?)
----
The rumours don't go away. They seem to follow him, taunting him with what might be, what could be. Taunting him to face his feelings and get the hell back to Garden and hold Squall in his arms at least one more time. But Leonhart's the hero, can't be dying. Right?
Doubts come, though, especially when the rumours don't fade away like rumours should. And then there's the announcement, and there's a picture of Squall, thin and pale with dark rings under his eyes, laying in a bed, and the news is that he collapsed of fatigue after a mission.
Seifer says to himself that Squall has just been overworking himself, but he knows that's not true. People have accused Squall of overworking before, but Seifer knows that Squall's too smart for that, wise enough to know when he's pushing himself too hard. He's a workaholic but he wouldn't work himself to death.
(Seifer tells himself that Squall just plain won't die.)
----
Seifer finds himself on the road to Garden anyway. It's a nice day, and if people avoid him mostly, that just makes it better. He wants to be alone to convince himself that it's not true. Denial is his best friend and the road beneath his feet is his way to comfort. He's going to go and see Leonhart and hear that boy (is he a boy anymore? Seifer suddenly doesn't think so) say that he'll never give up.
And then he can go away happy, relieved, knowing his love is safe, with the secret safe inside him.
(He swore only to tell Squall if he really is dying.)
----
Seifer checks the infirmary first, and is relieved when Squall isn't there. He stops for a snatch of conversation with Kadowaki, who always liked him, who held him the one time he cried from homesickness, back when he first came to Garden and she was just newly the doctor. He hasn't talked in so long and it's like relearning an old skill gone rusty, and he feels a little ashamed about that.
But when he does go to Squall, there are no words and there don't need to be. Forgiveness is evident in Squall's smile, apologies louder than words in the way Seifer clutches at him, holds him tight. Years of loneliness break down Seifer's defences and he'd almost cry, except Squall really is dying and he has some things to show and do to him first.
They don't fuck like they used to. Seifer pushes Squall down and fucks him (makes love to him, but he'd never use that phrase himself) slowly and carefully, feeling his way, feeling every little shudder and shiver and shake of Squall's body, making him near mindless with it, revelling in every little gasp and moan.
(Squall seems close to breaking.)
----
Seifer finds it hard to get used to the idea of Squall being gone, but Squall seems ready for it. He smiles more now. It's a damned fucking shame that Squall is ready to die so young and Seifer isn't ready for it to happen, and sometimes he wants to hurt Squall so badly for giving up.
But it's a beautiful surrendering and Seifer can't stop it, he just has to watch and sometimes he could cry but most of the time he's too proud. Kadowaki holds him and lets him vent his frustations in tears just once more, but he hides his tears from Squall.
Squall is sucuumbing so beautifully, just like he once gave in to Seifer himself, and Seifer doesn't feel he has a right to prevent that.
(And they still find some happiness while they're just waiting.)
----
Squall is going soon, fading away, and he still seems happy and at peace and it breaks Seifer's heart. He's working on his smiles, too, because if Leonhart can smile at death's approach, Seifer can smirk in its face when it does come for the one he loves.
Squall says things about funerals, but Seifer can't listen to that, not now, not yet, not ever. He loses his temper, bursting out all over, and Squall is the calm at the eye of the storm, nodding and understanding and gaining everything as he dies that he never could master in life.
(The compassion hurts more than anything.)
----
Squall really is fading now, and Seifer has to watch because he can't leave. So he holds his hand and tries to cling onto him somehow. Not physically, but with that strange bond they've always had. That line of tension strung between them, binding them together, calling him closer. The tension and the bond that always made Seifer think they'd last forever and ever and ever.
But he's aware of the bond breaking, tearing, taking half of him with it, and it hurts like fury, hurts like Ultimecia ripping at chunks of his psyche.
Squall's eyes are closed, his expression peaceful.
He got his happy ending, and Seifer got his punishment. He's going to miss Squall, he's going to hurt, he's going to be lost and he's going to want to die as well and follow Squall, and he knows it, and he's going to deny himself that. He's going to live with it.
(It will never stop hurting.)
Pairing: Seifer/Squall
Warnings: Angst, deathfic
Rating: PG
Summary: He barely believes the rumours. For
fated_children.Seifer doesn't go back to Garden when he hears the news -- he barely believes it. It wouldn't happen to Leonhart -- couldn't happen to Leonhart. Squally-boy has the happy ever after and the fairytale and Seifer gets what he deserves. Punishment. Exclusion. Fear.
It hurts when people back away from them, hurts a little when they speak of Squall. Hurts to think of Squall, his lover back when they'd still been boys. He hated that word. Wanted to get away from it. Boy. She had called him that, all the time. Boy. Boy do this, boy do that, boy you'll be a man some day but only if you obey me... He hated that word, hated the voice that said it.
But now he wishes he was still a boy. Still had the thought of Squall in his bed to soothe him, before all the fights, before he failed the SeeD exam more times than he'd thought possible.
But hey, those days are gone and Rinny warms Squall's bed instead.
He doesn't believe the news.
(Squall can't be dying, right?)
The rumours don't go away. They seem to follow him, taunting him with what might be, what could be. Taunting him to face his feelings and get the hell back to Garden and hold Squall in his arms at least one more time. But Leonhart's the hero, can't be dying. Right?
Doubts come, though, especially when the rumours don't fade away like rumours should. And then there's the announcement, and there's a picture of Squall, thin and pale with dark rings under his eyes, laying in a bed, and the news is that he collapsed of fatigue after a mission.
Seifer says to himself that Squall has just been overworking himself, but he knows that's not true. People have accused Squall of overworking before, but Seifer knows that Squall's too smart for that, wise enough to know when he's pushing himself too hard. He's a workaholic but he wouldn't work himself to death.
(Seifer tells himself that Squall just plain won't die.)
Seifer finds himself on the road to Garden anyway. It's a nice day, and if people avoid him mostly, that just makes it better. He wants to be alone to convince himself that it's not true. Denial is his best friend and the road beneath his feet is his way to comfort. He's going to go and see Leonhart and hear that boy (is he a boy anymore? Seifer suddenly doesn't think so) say that he'll never give up.
And then he can go away happy, relieved, knowing his love is safe, with the secret safe inside him.
(He swore only to tell Squall if he really is dying.)
Seifer checks the infirmary first, and is relieved when Squall isn't there. He stops for a snatch of conversation with Kadowaki, who always liked him, who held him the one time he cried from homesickness, back when he first came to Garden and she was just newly the doctor. He hasn't talked in so long and it's like relearning an old skill gone rusty, and he feels a little ashamed about that.
But when he does go to Squall, there are no words and there don't need to be. Forgiveness is evident in Squall's smile, apologies louder than words in the way Seifer clutches at him, holds him tight. Years of loneliness break down Seifer's defences and he'd almost cry, except Squall really is dying and he has some things to show and do to him first.
They don't fuck like they used to. Seifer pushes Squall down and fucks him (makes love to him, but he'd never use that phrase himself) slowly and carefully, feeling his way, feeling every little shudder and shiver and shake of Squall's body, making him near mindless with it, revelling in every little gasp and moan.
(Squall seems close to breaking.)
Seifer finds it hard to get used to the idea of Squall being gone, but Squall seems ready for it. He smiles more now. It's a damned fucking shame that Squall is ready to die so young and Seifer isn't ready for it to happen, and sometimes he wants to hurt Squall so badly for giving up.
But it's a beautiful surrendering and Seifer can't stop it, he just has to watch and sometimes he could cry but most of the time he's too proud. Kadowaki holds him and lets him vent his frustations in tears just once more, but he hides his tears from Squall.
Squall is sucuumbing so beautifully, just like he once gave in to Seifer himself, and Seifer doesn't feel he has a right to prevent that.
(And they still find some happiness while they're just waiting.)
Squall is going soon, fading away, and he still seems happy and at peace and it breaks Seifer's heart. He's working on his smiles, too, because if Leonhart can smile at death's approach, Seifer can smirk in its face when it does come for the one he loves.
Squall says things about funerals, but Seifer can't listen to that, not now, not yet, not ever. He loses his temper, bursting out all over, and Squall is the calm at the eye of the storm, nodding and understanding and gaining everything as he dies that he never could master in life.
(The compassion hurts more than anything.)
Squall really is fading now, and Seifer has to watch because he can't leave. So he holds his hand and tries to cling onto him somehow. Not physically, but with that strange bond they've always had. That line of tension strung between them, binding them together, calling him closer. The tension and the bond that always made Seifer think they'd last forever and ever and ever.
But he's aware of the bond breaking, tearing, taking half of him with it, and it hurts like fury, hurts like Ultimecia ripping at chunks of his psyche.
Squall's eyes are closed, his expression peaceful.
He got his happy ending, and Seifer got his punishment. He's going to miss Squall, he's going to hurt, he's going to be lost and he's going to want to die as well and follow Squall, and he knows it, and he's going to deny himself that. He's going to live with it.
(It will never stop hurting.)